You just can't make this stuff up.

I decided to take note of the particularly absurd occurrences in the Joberg trauma department... this is just from Friday night:

Psychologist: Hey, we're looking for a medical student to watch the psych patient while he has a cigarette outside
Me: You mean the violent one who tried to kill himself?
Psychologist: Yeah, him... we just need someone to watch him and make sure he doesn't do anything, because he still has his knife
Me: What?! Why don't you just take it away?
Psychologist: We're afraid he might be violent... anyway, is there a medical student around?
Me: No.

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Woman: Doctor, doctor, I have a baby
Me: Alright.... is something wrong with the baby?
Woman: Yes, i've had him for one month
Me: And.... is there a problem?
Woman: Yes, he's dead now.
Me: Uh, dead? Now? Since when?
Woman: Since yesterday, he has died. Do you want to see him?
Me: Uh... dead babies, right. That's pediatrics. I'll walk you over.

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Claire (resident): I went to get coffee out of the pantry, but someone stole it.
Me: Someone stole the coffee?
Claire: No, the pantry.

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Me (to a very intoxicated, bloody woman): Hi, ma'am, what happened to you?
Woman: I don't know
Me: What do you mean, you don't know? You have stab wounds all over you!
Woman: Then I guess I got stabbed

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True story: A woman came in, a transfer from a private hospital, with an external fixation (large screws) bolted to her tibia (long bone in the leg). It was nicely done, and there would have been no problem, except that it was actually her ankle that was broken. She was being transferred for "further management".

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In the trauma bays, we no longer have ANY functioning manual blood pressure cuffs or working batteries in the portable monitors. I went upstairs to ask Vascular to borrow one of their monitors so that we could take our patient to the CT scanner, and they just laughed at me. I guess it's funny if it's not your patient...?

Sigh. This is Africa.